Teachers deserve punishment rights

Pillow talk is a divisive issue in most relationships. Any man will tell you that there are only two reasons that a man gets into bed: one is to sleep, and the other one also happens to start with an s. Does talk start with an s? Then it shouldn't be done in bed. But this will invariably be a problem when it comes to your significant other. While lying down increases blood flow to certain parts of the male anatomy, with women the blood seems to go straight to their heads, virtually forcing them to start talking. And woe unto he who tries to make her stop. You'd be better off telling her the truth about those pants she's always asking you about. So most of the time, pillow talk is a fact of life.

I was in this very situation the other night. As usual, as soon as I got into bed, my wife decided to start telling me about her day at work. We had been together for at least the past four hours, and she waited until that point to bring up the daily events. It's usually not that bad, though, because she's a high-school teacher and often has humorous stories about chasing down gigantic football players trying to skip school. That doesn't require more than an affirmative groan from me every now and then.

On this specific night, however, she told me that she took up a note from one of her students. The note was to a friend and was about how Mrs. Baskett was "blathering on about nothing." When I asked her how she punished him, she responded, "I gave him a verbal warning."

A verbal warning?! When has telling someone that they're misbehaving ever been a form of punishment? Where I come from, you're told what you're doing wrong exactly five seconds before you're punished for it.

"So you're telling me that you didn't make him write 'I will not write notes in class' 500 times, or at least make him stay after school to clean your windows?" I asked. "We're not allowed to make them write sentences," she replied. "It's considered cruel and unusual punishment." That was just about the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. Carving 'I will not write notes in class' into your forearm is cruel and unusual punishment; writing it on the board 500 times just gets the point across.

"You should have read the note out loud to the class, then," I said. "That's public humiliation. That is not allowed as a form of punishment," she stated. Correction; that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.

I remember the hazing rituals that were permitted at my school in the name of "tradition." For the cheerleaders, it was particularly humorous. All the new members of the squad were forced to dress up in ridiculous outfits. The older cheerleaders wrote things on their faces with lipstick and then forced them to crawl down the hall on all fours. Now why can't we use that same logic for our punishments? Public humiliation is generally the most effective way to punish high school students, and it continues working until you're old enough to not care what anyone thinks or says, like my Grandpa. It's kind of like the punishment that keeps on giving. Not only do you get the initial effects during the humiliation, but then the student's peers help you out by making fun of the student afterwards. What's not to like? Besides, if someone has a mental breakdown because you read their note out loud, they're not cut out for society anyway and there's nothing anyone could have done about it.

So what punishments does my wife have available to handle the disruptive behaviors that occur every day in the classroom? The list begins with the verbal warning mentioned above. On the second offense, she's allowed to call the student's parents. Ooh, scary. After that, she's authorized to give a 15-minute detention. When I was in school, I hung around the school at least 15 minutes every day waiting for traffic to clear out. The funny thing there is that the first time a student refuses to serve a detention, she's supposed to give him a verbal warning.

Finally, on the fourth offense, she can schedule a conference to let the student's parents know what a brat their little angel is. The fifth offense earns the student a 30-minute detention. Again, unless you have the kids' ears hooked up to your car battery during that time, detention is as useless as a Tech quarterback. It's not until the sixth offense that she can move on to harsher consequences.

How can a teacher ever hope to command authority in the classroom when the only tools available to them are effectively neutered? Administrators are so afraid of their school getting sued by bleeding-heart parents that the effective punishments have all but been outlawed.

I'm not asking principals to dust off their trusty "board of education" or anything like that. I'm just asking that teachers be given the discretion to dole out worthwhile punishments which fit the crime. I'm sure many students here at Tech share my desire to have children in the future, and I hope most of them would like those children to do well enough in school to get into a college slightly less sadistic than Tech.

If my child, or any other, defaces a desk, I want his teacher to be able to assign a punishment ensuring he won't ever do it again. Make him clean all the desks in the school with a Q-tip, and I assure you that you'll never see "Little Kenny wuz here" anywhere again.

The simple fact of the matter is that a child will use your love for it like a weapon in any way possible. If a teacher says your beloved little Timmy or Susie was misbehaving, they are very rarely completely innocent, regardless of what they try to make you believe. So, in the future, stop suing your schools, support your local teachers and give them back their punishments.