TBM wants a G. Wayne action figure

In the wake of our recent (but not altogether unexpected) loss to the U[sic]GA Bulldogs, I've been thinking a lot about our rivalry with the backwoods residents to the north.

Sure, they lead the series, and the vast majority of Tech undergrads don't remember what it's like to beat U[sic]GA in football (either at Bobby Dodd Stadium or between the hedges). Sure, we make fun of them every year, but it's been eight years since we've won our most important game of the year.

My most frequent thoughts about our rivalry don't center around the typical fare, though. Sure, we lost, etc. However, my primary concern is one that sports fans don't always consider. No, it's not how we're performing in another sport (although we've recently kicked their asses in other, less popular sports).

I'm concerned about our merchandising. No, really. Hear me out here-we're losing the merchandising war, badly. If you want to buy a plush Buzz, your first instinct is to go to the Barnes & Noble in Tech Square, where you can find a veritable cornucopia of Tech-related and Tech-branded merchandise, from buckets to tents to shot glasses. Or, you could go to Burdell's, the handy overpriced shop in the Student Center.

But my problem is that you can find U[sic]GA merchandise everywhere in the state. Everywhere. Even within the perimeter, U[sic]GA merchandise is far easier to find than Tech merchandise. I first noticed this phenomenon when I went to the Ace Hardware next to Wal-Mart, which had significantly more goodies for Dawgs than Jackets.

My other example is the Target in Atlantic Station; it's almost within sight of Tech's north border. Go to the back of the Christmas section, and what do you find? U[sic]GA ornaments. If I want to hang a Buzz on my tree, I have to buy something at a football game or hope that Barnes & Noble has something.

If I want a plush Buzz, I should be able to go to any store within walking distance of Tech and find one.It's true that our northerly rival graduates more students than we do, although the real problem is that every incestuous hick in the state feels connected to the Dawgs, even if they've never graduated from middle school. It's also possible that the people running stores that sell merchandise are U[sic]GA graduates, as most Tech students are off doing something relevant with their lives.*

I'm especially concerned about the poor variety of available Yellow Jacket merchandise. I should be able to find a Yellow Jacket toothbrush, Yellow Jacket Christmas tree topper, Yellow Jacket personal upper thigh massager and Yellow Jacket extra lube condoms, without even trying. Instead, I can find a couple shirts, a couple ties and some overpriced plush renditions of Buzz. It's not enough! I won't be satisfied until every product in my house has Buzz or the GT logo on it.

Remember, the money Tech makes from licensing goes into Buzz Funds, which could potentially pay for our education. We're more deserving of that education than the hicks at U[sic]GA, so we need to promote our brand. The more visible random crap with Buzz is, the more people that will buy it. The ultimate goal of Tech's Athletic Association should be to plaster Buzz over every flat surface within the perimeter, especially inside homes of potential fans. If there's not a G. Wayne action figure on Michael Adams' desk or a giant GT between the hedges at Sanford Stadium by next fall, I will be very disappointed in all of you.

*Not that U[sic]GA doesn't produce people who make something with their lives. It's just that Tech grads are more likely to do more with their lives. After all, we have a starting salary of $55,000 according to those public service announcements at games.