Players try to avoid fines
By Richie Rich/ Student Publications
A wide receiver brings some money right to the administration. The money he is carrying is only enough to cover his fines for one month.
By Mo Money
Mo Problems
With the policy of charging athletes 10 dollars-per-missed-class, the U[sic]GA program has gone into crisis mode. The student athletes have scrambled to gather the funds to pay the mandatory fees imposed on them by the administration and athletic association.
"I had to call my booster a little extra early this month. It was embarrassing. Luckily, he thinks the system is stupid, too. When will I ever need to learn to read?" said middle linebacker Tecmo BoJackson.
Players have admitted to collecting triple digit fines each month, citing reasons like unreasonable classes that start before 2 p.m. and teachers requiring correct spellings of names on tests. Furthermore, students refuse to do work outside of class.
"It's ridiculous to think that these people actually expect us to do something besides play football. Look, isn't it enough to play in a subpar bowl game each year and underachieve lofty expectations? I don't think so," said offensive lineman Cletus Owens.
The players have even had to cut back on some of the luxury spending that they would normally indulge in.
" I play a grand total of one whole minute every game. I think the same amount of class attendance should also be required of me. Due to this new rule I no longer can get all those PS3 games I love to play, not to mention switching to the cheaper beer," said walk-on punter, John Construda.
The school has recognized the counterproductive effect of the new rule, but has decided to keep it as it has provided the greatest influx of money ever. New ways of raising money are also being examined.
"With the money we have received, we would literally be able to create four new libraries. Not like we're going to do anything like that. As far as I'm concerned, it's beer money" said President Michael Adams.
New recruits are upset with the system, with some pulling their letters of intent after hearing this news.
"I was promised money, cars and the permission to do things that can never go into print, and now I have to pay for it all? Forget this, I'm going to Auburn," said recent recruit Larry Richards.
