Heisman comes back to life for fight

By Joe Mama

Zombie Man

With his recent confrontation of former Heisman winner and current South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier, former running back Herschel Walker has challenged all former Heisman winners to step in a ring with him. Most have kept quiet, but the namesake of the trophy has accepted the challenge: John Heisman.

In a twisted turn of events, Heisman was able to come back from the dead, with all his limbs intact, to join in on the fight between Spurrier and Walker.

"If I had known that an award named after me would be given to a Bulldog and a Gator, I would have never allowed this. Now this is going to be settled the only way that any argument is settled: a match to the death," a resurrected Heisman said.

Walker was undaunted by these statements, talking as though his best years were not behind him and he was still the running back Georgia fans love to worship.

"Look, I'm the greatest football-er to ever live. I defecate rushing yards in my sleep. Do you think that some old ball coach can beat me?" Walker said. "Well, two old ball coaches can't."

Spurrier has been preparing for the fight by doing body squats, purchasing weapons and saying witty things to reporters that would listen to anything he says.

"Well you can't spell 'Heisman v. Walker v. Spurrier,' without John Heisman, Herschel Walker and Steve Spurrier. It's just English, that's all," Spurrier said.

The three have recently attended a weigh-in. Walker came in at a putrid 305 pounds, Spurrier at 210 pounds and Heisman a stunning 25 pounds.

"Krispy Kreme, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Chipotle, Johnny Rockets and Krystals have all sponsored me for this fight. They all pay in value meals, though," Walker said.

"What can I say. My figure is important to me and I always try and keep in shape," Heisman said.

The match has reached near epic proportions, with students at U[sic]GA weighing in on whom they think would win.

"There's no way Walker is losing that match. He's the greatest human being to ever live. I would do anything to please that young fellow, anything," said fifth-year romantic history major Lovesto Kneel.

"Spurrier may know them words, but he don't know that fight. Walker will beat the two of them like I do to my family when they don't turn the lights off when leaving a room," said fan Where Sundontshine.

Others have felt less than enthusiastic about Walker's chances.

"[Herschel] was OK, I guess. He was kind of over rated, if you ask me," said third-year dance student H.H. Hippos.

Overhearing this, U[sic]GA students grabbed Hippos, tarred and feathered him, stuck his body on a stake and burned him alive for heresy. His charred body is now near the entrance to the university with the words "TRAITOR" burned on to his burned chest.