Rumors of Vick's return worries the Dawgs

By Cat Lover

Professional Spelunker

Reports have come out of the University [sic] of Georgia that the coaching staff and team are heavily preparing for Michael Vick to start at quarterback for Tech in their game on Saturday.

"I heard a report from a friend of a friend that Vick would be joining Tech's team. With this new information, I will be revamping our whole plan," said U[sic]GA Head Coach, Mark Richt.

Pressed on why Vick, a recently unemployed quarterback and herbal expert, was suddenly a possible starter at Tech, Richt had just one reason.

"My friend just told me. He's looking for football work, plus it's right there in the ATL. It's possible," Richt said.

Discussions in the locker room have focused on what the team has to do to stop Vick from truly destroying the Dawgs.

"Coach said we would have to update the playbook and add a couple of plays. But a 'couple of plays' is going to turn into three or four and then it's going to be out of control," said quarterback Matthew Stafford.

"Is he really going to join. Oh man, I hope not. I didn't get recruited here for this. Maybe Coach Richt will just forfeit," said receiver John Ames.

The team has changed their practice schemes, going from excessively drinking on the field and then urinating on themselves in a drunken stupor to throwing a football at each other while hung over.

"It's tough to adjust. It's always tough," said cornerback Itchme Please.

Tech players and the NCAA players are confused by this rumor.

"It has been confirmed that there is no rule that would ever allow this. He gave up his eligibility when he left Virginia Tech. We may not enforce most of our rules, but this one is pretty strict. They are totally off-base with this one," said NCAA representative Adamm Morrison.

The Tech camp has also vehemently denied this.

"It's untrue. Simple as that. They really can be morons in Athens," said an anonymous source in the organization.

Still, U[sic]GA is blindly pushing forward with their plans to see Vick at quarterback come Saturday. They even expect him to play on defense and offense.

Asked to comment on whether or not his return was indeed true or just a vicious rumor, Vick was brief in his comments.

"Wait? What? Hold on ... pass the Cheetos. Ohh yeah. That hit the spot. Is this the pizza guy? Can I get a pepperoni pizza?," Vick said.

Whoever takes the field Saturday it surely won't be a former NFL player. Tech does hope that the Dawgs are so shaken by the false rumor that they completely forget the game plan.

"It's in our favor. Should work out well I think," said a source close to the team.