Top 10 things to do with cows

As we all know, there are a lot of cows around Athens and we have a great department of Bovine Studies at U[sic]GA. But lots of people, even native Athenians, don't actually know all the amazing things you can do with cows.

So to help these po' kids out, with no further ado, THWUGA presents the top 10 (mostly legal) things you might not have thought to do with cows.

1. Eat 'em

Cows are the tastiest form of life on this planet.

2. Tip 'em

Nothing asserts your superiority over the bovine species like pushing a defenseless cow onto its side.

3. Ride 'em

Not everybody is cut out to be a Professional Bull Rider, but that doesn't have to stop you from mounting Bessie and holding on for dear life while she gets branded.

4. Birth 'em

Cow birthing gives you a legal excuse for going shoulder deep into a place most men will never have the pleasure of visiting.

5. Collect cow pies

A good cow pie is a cow pie fresh out of the cow.

6. Hunt 'em

They're not as quick as deer and it helps that they're all confined by fences.

7. Milk 'em

When's the other time you get to handle four teats at once?

8. Watch 'em moo

Nothing sets the mood on a romantic date with your girlfriend better than sitting at the edge of a pasture and watching a bull and cow moo it all night.

9. Make 'em moo

Just remember that if you make 'em moo the way I make 'em moo, make sure no cops are around because it is a felony.

10. Marry 'em

They're as fat as your sister and don't sass back as much.

Well, go out there and enjoy your newfound knowledge-I know I will!