Who let women out of the kitchen?

Abs Hole

Men's Traditions Activist

So some of you might have heard that some of dem women are startin' to get real jobs-and I don't mean full-time housewife!

No, my fellow red-white-and-blue loving, country-music singing, ginormous-truck-driving Americans...these women are now completely dumpin' their God-ordained duties in favor of such manly pursuits as careers.

What's next, bros? Not shavin' their armpits?!

I tell you, it started with women who left behind their warm, caring nature and went into engineering, computing, law and worst of all politics. Hell, sons, who wants to see a woman in man-britches up there in front of a court arguing something about women's rights or sexual harassment or somesuch nonsense?

Fedex her an apron, for God's sake. We all know that women are only good for baby makin' and pie bakin'­-they can't handle anything else, exceptin' for talkin' about their feelings all the time. I can see it now: "Billy Ray, how did you feel 'bout hittin' on that woman at work?" Like a man needs a real reason for when he gets a hankerin' after some sugar. Men just got needs, sweetheart; we don't got no feelings.

Or worse, who wants a female politician like Hillary Clinton makin' decisions that don't matter and tellin' us what to do? Specially when they're on dem devil-knows-what-the-hell's-going-on "womanly times"­-we gonna have ourselves another world war every dang month. It wouldn't be so bad if we could bomb the crap outta everybody, but with a woman in charge, you jus know that even those pansy Canucks will come down and whup our butts while our "President" and her girlfriends are shoe shoppin'. Nobody who eats wuss salad, drinks Diet Coke and watches chick flicks is fit to be commander-in-chief-that's a job for real steak-chewin', tobacco-spittin', Rambo-wannabe men likes us.

Anyway, everyone knows we have a God-given right to a woman that knows her place. Hell, it's the first right we're guaranteed in the Constitution of the goldang beautiful Confederate States of America, right up there with boozin' and gun-totin'. I don't even know that we deserve to be called men anymore if we let our women carry on like this.

Now gents, you gotta do likes I do. When I come home, I know my mama gonna have dinner on the table and my laundry done. That's keepin' a woman under control. Sure, you might getta few raised eyebrows when you bring a lady friend over for the night, but it sho beats movin' out of the house and workin' and growin' up for reals. See, my mama knows where she belongs, takin' care of me.

And that's what all women need to do: stay in the kitchen. Trust me, ladies, we'd rather have you in short skirts fattening us up wid your fine cookin' than running around makin' money in ugly man-suits. That's jus unnatural.