Frustrated by drought, U[sic]GA declares war on Nature
By Gowin Noware / Student Publications
Admiral P. Nut Brane leads his troops onto the Bulldog Boat. However since Stinky Creek's water level fell the boat is now stuck in the dirt.
By Outta Wattur
Leaky Faucet
It's no secret that north Georgia is hurting for water as the draining of Lake Lanier continues. Several experts, including Tech president Wayne Clough, have been working together to come up with ideas to try to counteract the problem. However, U[sic]GA president Mike Adams has announced a plan unlike any of their suggestions -- a full military assault against Nature.
The president's plan calls for a "Coalition of the Willing" to take on Nature. Under the terms of the Patriot Act the Coalition would be able to act unilaterally.
"It's obvious that Mother Nature, the genocidal tyrant that she is, has issued a water embargo against America. We need drastic action and the full force of the university's brainpower to combat this barbaric act," Adams said.
The fight will be a community effort and everbody is expected to help. Under the new plan every family would be issued a flame thrower and an M4A1 assault rifle.
"Trees are quite hard to take down. They don't care if they live or die, and will often target large crowds of innocent bystanders to fall on," said one advisor to President Adams.
Adams went on to state that trees, plants, insects and other animals should be considered "thorned and extremely dangerous."
One upper-level U[sic]GA adminstrator, who wished to remain anonymous, said "the current estimates are that Nature outnumbers us. Therefore, we'll all have to fight half as hard."
The result of this initiative is that U[sic]GA classes will have to carry on despite the sounds of explosions and rocket launches outside. This could profoundly disturb certain courses, such as Advanced Snoozing and Silent Treatment Seminar.
"A lot of big things are gonna happen soon. For instance, we're considering launching missiles at clouds to force that terrorist Nature to give up the rain. We're confident the strategy will work," Adams concluded.
The base of operations will be the Bulldog Boat chartered out of Stinky Creek, named so because of the tendency of U[sic]GA students to use it for bathing before important formal events such as hoe-downs. Only after all the equipment was loaded onto the boat was it brought to the attention of Admiral P. Nut Brane that the creek's water level has fallen so much that the boat is now stuck in the dirt.
Advisors were unable to convince the admiral that this would prevent the boat from being able to travel.
