Two Bits

We should elect Paris Hilton as Vice President of the United States of America. Like most of my fellow citizens, I am constantly disappointed in the idiots we elect to run this country. Koko the sign language gorilla, most species of mold or a frozen block of spinach could make better political decisions than President Bush. The idea that a frozen chunk of spinach could be a better leader than our president may seem slightly absurd, and you're right. The spinach would have to be thawed out first.

The problem isn't just with the current president either. Every four years, a new crop of dolts manages to get their names on the ballot and we have to decide which one is least likely to screw up our country. All presidential candidates have the flaw that when told as young children that they could be the president of the United States someday, they were dumb enough to believe it.

What we need is an average American for our president, someone we can trust, someone that doesn't even want to be the president-someone like my father. My dad is the prototype American Joe. He's from the Midwest, has a modest income and has plenty of free time now that all of his children have grown up and left the house. He's never been tainted by politics because he's never ran for office, and he has no desire to be president because it would require leaving The Subdivision, which he only does when he needs to get the riding lawn mower repaired.

We need to come together as a country and elect my father to the presidency. If we can't work out a deal to let him run the nation from the confines of The Subdivision, then we can just elect Koko the gorilla instead. It's going to be difficult to organize this because we usually vote for people who take one of two paths to political office. Path A: become a lawyer, then realize how pathetic your mundane white collar life is and decide to pass your free time by getting elected to office so you can screw over everyone poorer than you. Path B: have several millions dollars, marry a Kennedy and decide to go into politics because you have such a qualified background experience in fighting off robots from the future, fighting aliens and being Danny DeVito's twin. Since my father and Koko are not lawyers, nor have they ever played one on television, they're going to need another way to get name recognition, and this is where Paris Hilton comes into play.

Paris Hilton is the Jackie Onassis of our generation. Paris is so famous that if aliens were to make contact with Earth, they would assume she is our leader. She's a dumber, sluttier version of Princess Diana. If my father-or Koko the gorilla, whichever one wins the primary-were to run for president with Paris as vice president, their faces would be splattered across every television station and printed in every tabloid in the world.

Paris doesn't exactly meet the eligibility requirements because of her age, so we're going to have to lower the age restriction. Otherwise, if we wait until she turns 35, Paris won't be pretty enough for the paparazzi to take pictures of her.

Once in office, Paris Hilton will restore the traditional vice president role of doing absolutely nothing productive.

Normally, the vice president spends his time lounging around the senate and attending a few state funerals. Vice President Dick Cheney however, has been unusually active in his role, and has spent his term promoting wars in the Middle East based on false premises, trying to deny global warming and shooting old men in the face. We don't need to worry about any of these things with Vice President Hilton because she doesn't even know where the Middle East is; when told that we're experiencing some of the hottest temperatures on record she responded, "That's hot." Paris Hilton only uses lawyers for their intended purpose as defense attorneys instead of for target practice.

Besides being a better vice president than Dick Cheney, Paris Hilton wouldn't bring any of the shocking sex scandals that occurred during Bill Clinton's time in office. There would still be loads of sex scandals; they just wouldn't be shocking. The public is so used to Paris's sex life that it simply won't be an issue when she inevitably gets caught Lewinsky-ing the ambassador from Latvia in the Lincoln bedroom.

We could even put Paris to good use. With my father or Koko the gorilla in charge, all of those absurd travel and trade restrictions on Cuba would finally get lifted, and then Vice President Hilton could lead a legion of spring breakers to Havana, where they'd spread democracy with an assault of wet T-shirt contests. It'd be the first time that CSPAN ever had the number one Nielsen rating.

Additional plans include Vice President Hilton helping to fight illiteracy by setting an example and finally learning to read. We could sex up other positions of the federal branch as well. Attorney General Britney Spears has a nice ring to it.

There is one slight risk that we'd take by electing Paris Hilton to the vice presidency. Let's say the unfortunate occurs and President Koko accidentally chokes to death on a banana. Then Vice President Hilton would take over as leader of the nation. In the midst of a national tragedy we'd have a semi-retarded child of enormous privilege in charge of the most powerful country in the world-and we already know how well that works, don't we?