Two Bits Man

I, like most other college-age males, do not understand a great deal about females. Although incredibly handsome, I am not exactly a ladies man.

Me trying to attract a chick is like watching Wile E. Coyote chase after the Road Runner. We all know he is never going to catch it, but we stick around to see just exactly how he manages to blow himself up. It is this endless hunt that causes other college-age males to constantly brag about their sexual conquests, even if they have to make them up.

Let's face the facts. It is not very difficult to stick your genitals into somebody else's. The only way you could miss the hole is if you recently had a full lobotomy. Guys always use all these stupid euphemisms, too: "I scored last night, I banged this chick, oh boy, did I nail her." Ever think about what that actually means and how asinine you sound? You would not go up to your buddies and say, "Gentlemen, I put my penis in a vagina last night, high five, come on, high five." On the other hand, if you "scored" last night, then you deserve a round of congratulations. Sex cannot be that physically challenging a task if my 86-year-old grandfather can do it, and I do not hear him going "I scored with your grandmother last night, high five."

I do not hold any grudges against sex, or women, or women having sex with other women, or any other possible combinations of sex and women.

I just find it troubling that an entire gender (roughly one half of the entire human species, if I have my numbers right) is a complete mystery.

The confusion started at a young age for me. When I was little I would come home from school and watch the afternoon cartoons. Then after the cartoons were over, I would watch Blossom, that inane show about an adolescent girl and her oh so many trivial problems (I did not have cable, okay?). One of the themes was "Blossom gets her first period."

Being very young, I had no idea what a period was, but I was aware that adult women don't look the same as young girls, the biggest difference being breasts.

So, naturally, I assumed that this must be what Blossom was talking about; period was just another word for breast. When you get your period, it just means that you are growing boobs. After that episode of Blossom, I had a significantly distorted view of female puberty.

First, I learned that periods come one at a time. This got me wondering. I did not know boobs grew in one at a time. Which comes first, the left one or the right one? Or maybe it starts out in the middle as some sort of large Cyclops breast and splits into two separate ones. They call it cleavage, so something must get cleaved. Is this another right of passage? When girls go and get their ears pierced do they also have the Cyclops breast split in two?

From the Blossom episode I also learned that the period comes once a month, but I was pretty sure I have seen at most two breasts on a woman; they do not start popping out all over her body.

So does this mean that the old ones fall out each month? I will have to watch for that. They do say that the period can be embarrassing for a girl, and having your breasts all of a sudden burst off from your body would be difficult to hide.

That must be what bras are for, though, holding your detached boobs in to prevent them from falling to the floor. But when the new boobs come in, is it another giant Cyclops boob that you have to pull apart? That must be why girls take so long in the bathroom and have to go in groups-they are busy separating each other's breasts.

I did finally learn what the period actually is. Man, was that awkward. I was with a girl and things were starting to get hot and heavy, so I suggested that we go to my room, "Maybe we could go a bit further than just kissing, you know, maybe you could take some clothes off and let me feel up your period."

When you tell a girl that you want to play with her period, the pepper spray comes out real fast; last week was an enlightening one for me.

Before you write me off as just another clueless guy I want you to think of how disgusting the actual menstrual cycle is and I ask you this: What would you rather believe, that the period consists of unfertilized eggs, chunks of uterus, vaginal linings, and buckets of blood dripping out from between the legs; or would you rather have the detachable Cyclops breast theory be true?

That is what I figured. Meep Meep.