Two Bits Man

Recently, there was an extended break during which I trained to become a ninja. Unfortunately for me, I was tied up in a basement somewhere by two Technique staff members. One was an amusing female that I didn't quite recognize, and the other was my extremely attractive Entertainment editor. I'll be the first to tell you that Nique writers have odd hobbies, but this was a little excessive.

Thanks in part to Sliver Girl,* I managed to escape. Humbled, I knew I needed to beef up on my defensive skills; so I did what anyone would do in that situation-a bit of Justice League-funded training in Japan. You know, the place where Batman and Dr. McNinja trained. Not that I'm trying to copy them. I also don't own a ninja outfit, nor do I own a doctor's gown, and I've never worn them both at once.

Okay, maybe just once. Or twice. But not for an entire week. They needed washing after the ninja mud wrestling contest.

Aside from an education in unconventional weapons, what my winter ninja training really gave me was a sense of who I am, and who I'm not. These days, it's hard to get my ideas across to you, my faithful readers, without having them edited or censored.

However, I will always have my identity. I don't need fancy outfits or tits to be awesome, although a weapon can be reasonably handy at fending off an angry female humor columnist. Those eyelash curlers are murder, I swear. The next time she pulls that thing out, I'm going to destroy it.

I bet this never happens to Batman... Batgirl never gets up in his face with dangerous-looking beauty implements.** No, she's a good sidekick. What's the trick, Batman? Is it the bling? Do I need to go Dilbert-style with my gadgets*** in order to keep the ladies in line? My phone has internet access, does that count?

As part of the ninja training, they focused on taking the older-style ninja habits and their modern equivalents. One of those tenets was to blend into the crowd. If I ran around the campus wearing pajamas and a smoking jacket,**** I'd be immediately nailed as an anonymous humor columnist; similarly, if I wore a stereotypical black ninja outfit, I would be somewhat unmistakable. Although I was tempted by this nice smoking jacket in Dillard's, it was out of my price range. Can you believe that they wanted $300 for it? I'm a college student, not an obscenely rich philanthropist with a crime fighting hobby!

So, I can't afford my own tools, and I wasn't thrown a sword by a watery tart. Superman just had to be born. Who can compete with that?

Another modern equivalent of archaic habits focused on thrown weapons. It's generally discouraged by society to carry around shuriken, poison-dipped or not. While it is a delightful weapon, and flashbang-equipped ones are useful, a more practical alternative is needed.

The New Ninja Training Manual, 5th Edition suggests that I try more common materials, such as marbles, spare change or utensils. I don't really appreciate that the ninja manual has to resort to Home Alone for ideas, but the idea of throwing a marble at an opponent is pretty funny, especially if you have a lot of them. Just hope that the opponent doesn't have a real weapon. It's all fun and games until somebody gets a spleen stabbed out.

Another important facet of being a ninja is espionage. Admittedly, I didn't do as well on that part. One of my classmates went into the future and got next year's ANAK member list. Congratulations, [censored]!

Oddly enough, my time-travelling friend is late for all of his classes.

Again, how can I compete with that? Such a feat would have taken me a lot of hacking into email accounts, watching member movements, seduction, dinner dates and thesauri.

Thankfully, he was disqualified from the Top Three Ninja Contest because he already knew who the top three were. I'm pretty sure there's a paradox in there somewhere, but it hurts to think about time travel for too long.

The only part of spying I really passed was seduction. Apparently, they gave me bonus points because of my "large endowment." What am I, the Alumni Association? I can't get a girl to translate my Ninja report card without asking for my phone number. You've never been treated like meat until you've had a group of crack ninjas on your wang.*****

*Submit a sliver or she'll come to your house and kick your ass.

**For some reason, my instinct is to call it a "hygiene implement" although I've been told repeatedly that women don't necessarily need it, therefore it's for "beauty." I, for one, know girls that can't live without their "beauty implements." Doesn't that logically make them "hygiene implements?" Inquiring minds want to know.

***I am referring to Dilbert's Desktop Games. If you have not played it, then you have not lived. When I graduate, I'll come back to Tech just to teach a class on Gaming Outside of Your Stupid MMORPG, and I will make everyone play that game.

They'll enjoy it, too, or I'll fail them; and who wants to be the CS major that failed a class because they didn't play enough games? Talk about a scarlet letter...

****At least my superhero costume doesn't involve spandex tights. There's something to be said for cotton and silk.

*****I can never resist a good pun, no exceptions.