Two Bits

In the spirit of equality and fairness, I, Two Bits Woman, have usurped the Two Bits column (I threatened the Two Bits Man with my eyelash curler). I had considered amiably mentioning the gender switch and moving onto a more relevant topic, such as the worker in the dining hall who yelled at me for taking too much chicken (Take that chicken man!). But, I've read just one too many "TBS" stories.

Yeah, I know that girls can be bitchy (and rejection stings like peeing on an electric fence - not that I actually know what that's like). However, I'd like to point out that the guys at Tech don't exactly give us reason to swoon either. For all of their attempts at getting girls [naked], they have found remarkably few effective techniques. For example, I haven't yet met a woman who feels the urge to remove her clothes upon having four frat guys lean out of a dilapidated pick-up truck and yell such intelligent remarks as "Yeah!", "Woooo", or the ever-so-eloquent "Hey Baby" while driving by.

I see the "TBS vs. sketchy Tech guy" phenomenon as pointing to a fundamental gender similarity. I have concluded that both genders find fault with the other because, as human beings and college students, we are exceptionally lazy. Guys want to get girls [naked] without trying (or showering, shaving, speaking while sober, putting down the X-Box controller, etc.) and girls want guys to sweep them off their feet (without realizing that the whole sweeping effect fails to materialize when the chick weighs over a buck fifty or so).

Ah yes, on the point of laziness, I must confess that Two Bits Man and I will be sharing the Two Bits responsibilities. After all, who actually wants to write a column EVERY week? I have so many other things to do - like getting revenge on the chicken man by "accidentally" spilling my grape juice into his chicken as he watches helplessly.

So, given the brilliance and clarity of my conclusion about gender similarities, I feel uniquely qualified to dispense advice to both genders. Girls - for God's sake, stop talking to your guy about your new shoes, nails, or anything that should remain between you and your best (female) friend. He doesn't care. When you talk, he looks at your boobs.

Guys - stop looking at our boobs, we're talking! Additionally, a date involving Half Life 2/Halo or Easy Mac is not the way to impress a girl (in the unlikely event she's really into either of those things, I stand corrected).

My last piece of advice to both guys and girls- if "dude" or "like" is the most common word in your vocabulary, this is not acceptable. Let me provide you with an example. Suppose a girl says, "Oh my god, that is, like, the coolest thing I have, like, ever seen." The equivalent statement in "guy speak" is "Dude, did you see that? That is the coolest thing I have ever seen, dude." Let's try to cut down on both of these unfortunate speech patterns, shall we?

So, to get to the point of this rant, dating at Tech is a lot like defragging your hard drive. You know other people do it and you feel like you should, but there are so many better things to do than sit around and wait (and wait and wait and, oh never mind).