Student branded for reading newspaper

The U[sic]GA community was rocked today by the news that Gump Field, a seventh-year cattle-grazing major, was actually able to read the school paper and understand some of the information that it tried to deliver.

"This is amazing" said institute president Mike Adams. "I'm barely able to understand half the pictures in the ads and here we have a mere seventh-year student, who can actually read the material."

The article, which was talking about the members of the U[sic]GA honor society, had more than twenty words, which were clearly comprehensible to Field.

"I totally had no clue what the story was about," Field said, "but those twenty words were as clear to me as milk from a healthy cow."

Adams praised Field, adding that the student would receive highest honors from U[sic]GA for his unique achievement.

"This is a new record," Adams said, excitedly. "So I see great things in store for Field."

Field will be receiving a medal of accomplishment and a year's worth of beef-jerky from Adams in an institute-wide ceremony.

"It's going to be a great honor," Adams said, "and will be held on the 32nd of November."

When asked whether the writers and editors of The Red and Black were literate, Adams said that the U[sic]GA paper was actually written by students from the arch rival, the Georgia Institute of Technology, as a charity project.

"They were really nice," Adams said, regarding Techw riters. "They're giving us an opportunity to learn to read."

The rest of campus should not be discouraged, however, the select few on campus who can read will be branded so they will not be able to hide among normal students. The branding program will be co-sponsored by the School of Cattle Raising.

"Not only are we branding them, we are putting radio tags on them so we know where they are at all times," Adams said.

"You just can't trust people like that, you know," said Iwan Aropeurcow, an eighth year Cattle Raising major.