Gravity? U[sic]GA researchers skeptical

The football team might be coming closer to proving something U[sic]GA professors have been skeptical of for years: gravity.

The team has fallen hard to almost all of its opponents, and this led Billy Bob, a professor of Football Science, to believe that there is some truth to the assumptions made by gravity.

"For years we thought gravity was a fluke. Why would planes be able to fly if there was gravity? Why would you be able to climb stairs? These are the questions we asked," Bob said.

"Now, after seeing our football team lose so many times, we are rethinking our decision on gravity. Maybe they suck because of physics too, not just because they're bad," he said.

Football Science is one of ten new majors developed this year to give students a better chance of graduating.

Bob and other professors in the department of Football Science are having a hard time deciding what the truth is.

John John, another professor in the department, said that this is the first time in several decades that the existence of gravity has ever been brought up.

"In the past, we took it for granted that there was no such thing as gravity. We just hadn't seen any evidence of it. But there's gotta be some explanation for our football team. It just don't add up. We are supposed to win," John said.

The professors aren't alone; many students also think that gravity might really be an observable phenomenon.

"Hell, we can't see why else we're losing. Sure is good to know that there might be some reason," said Ben Dover, a first-year Football Science major.

Students in the new major are helping professors by performing observational studies on the football team.

"One thing's for sure, people get tackled. But the weird thing is they can get back up without getting pulled back down. That's the crazy part," Dover said.

So far, studies have indicated that football players fall a lot, but mostly when other people tackle them.

Bob and John think this is the reason that gravity has been doubted for so long.

"If gravity was real, then shouldn't an imaginary hand be pulling me and you down, right now, so that we wouldn't be able to get up?" Bob said.

The imaginary hand theory is currently being developed by U[sic]GA scientists.

Although every other university in the nation is laughing at them, Bob said he thinks they are on to something.

"This is the 20th century. There are huge jumps in technology and our understanding of the world we live in, and that's what we're showing the world: that U[sic]GA produces some of the best research out there," Bob said.