Student Government bans foreign alcohol

In response to recent problems including mispronunciation and difficulty finding foreign beer in kegs, the U[sic]GA Student Government has recently passed legislation to ban foreign beer. Difficulty in acquiring the beer and an inability to acquire enough funds to afford the more expensive beer added to SGA's preference for American beer.

"We just can't take it that them furrin' beers are chargin us so much fur our basic needs," said U[sic]GA president Mike Adams.

Many students have tried to acquire beers like Delirium Tremens, Kirin, Singha, Sapporo, Dos Equis, and Chimay. However, students have not only had difficulty affording these beers, but also they have been unable to order them in local bars and liquor stores.

"I done gone to the licka store and I done tried to order some of that thar furriner beer, but I couldn't read the label on the package," said fifth year Alcohol Awareness major and beer aficionado Bernie Sensation

Along with these difficulties, there are many other students who do not feel that the foreign beer reflects their interests or tastes.

"Why would I want to buy this different beer when I can get a case of Natty for the same price," said freshman economics student Ty Twad.

"I done tried to chug that foreign beer, but it did not have the normal water taste that I was used to," continued Bart Indar, second year Health and Physical Education major. "Also, I tried drinking my normal 20-30 beers last night and I barely lived to tell about it after drinking some of these foreign flavors."

While this will have little impact on the amount of consumption of beer on campus, it will certainly boost demand for domestic beers and drive up profit revenues for America's breweries.

"I feel like every time I take a sip from my Natty Lite that I am doing my civic duty," said Anita Colbier, a second year Management and Residence Studies major.