Two Bits

The other day I called my local pizzeria, and the first thing I said to the guy on the other end was, "I am having a problem with my pizza."

I used the present participle, "having," because I was staring at the pizza while I made the call, which at the time of the call made the situation an ongoing brouhaha.

I know what you may be thinking: "His pizza ate him." Or perhaps you are thinking, "Not again! He just had a fight with his pizza and they are no longer on speaking terms."

However, you would be wrong to think any of those things because I <3 my pizza.

While the pizza guy troubleshot the problem I was having with my food, I shifted my attention from the moderately good-looking pizza to the synopsis of the movie Tristan & Isolde, which I was trying to watch online.

The main point of the movie is that there were warring kingdoms back in the day, and in order to keep the peace, one of the warring parties gave away his daughter's hand in marriage as some kind of understood treaty in the form of a few pounds of flesh.

There is a love story somewhere, and maybe that's the main point of the movie. But I am mostly interested in the flesh-based treaty.

This kind of treaty was very popular at different times in the old days as a way of maintaining diplomatic relations between strong kingdoms. Sometimes, the treaties were between crazy kingdoms, which is a good thing because we don't need crazy wars. Let us all learn to keep our wars sane.

Fast forward to modern times. One of the disadvantages of democratic systems is that such treaties can't really exist any more. At best, such a treaty would last four years, and four years is a short time from a long term point of view.

However, there may be times when even four years may be good enough. For example, if the world were on the verge of world war between two nuclear powers (say, the US and North Korea), I would absolutely recommend a marriage-based treaty. Now, read closely.

First of all, it will be helpful to paint a specific scenario. I will call the scenario the "Crazy Crisis". Again, I am using the US and North Korea as the countries on the verge. Second of all, after many diagnoses, it has been determined by generic experts that Zoloft cannot possibly help to calm the anxiety in the situation.

Therefore, I have been brought into the U.N. to administer my own brand of international policy.

I should also add that the Pentagon in this case is actually a Hexagon and the U.N.'s office is on the sixth side of said Hexagon.

The US president at the time of the "Crazy Crisis" is George W. Bush. North Korea's head of state at the time of the "Crazy Crisis" is, and this is a wild guess, Kim Jong-il. George Bush still has two beautiful daughters, which is great. Kim Jong-il has a son, Kim Jung-chul, who is about the same age as Bush's daughters. How perfect is that?

Anyway, so I am in the U.N. in the Hexagon, smoking my pipe and looking at my peace plan or what seems like a peace plan.

Here's my recommendation to the U.N. and consequently, the White House (note the strong words):

To Whom It May Concern:

In order to avoid impending doom and selfless acts of world annihilation, I recommend that Barbara/Jenna Bush be married to Kim Jong-chul. Then the couple should move to Switzerland while visiting North Korea and the U.S. every other month. Both parties will agree to be married for at least four years with the option of bilaterally renewing their marriage vows at the end of the fourth year. Good luck, Barbara/Jenna Bush. You are for lack of a better word, a patriot. Sincerely, Two Bits Man.

I have to say that that's a modern and elegant solution to a full-blown war. If any war will be fought, it will be between in-laws. I feel the need to say, "Damn, I'm good." And so was the pizza guy on the other end of the line; he offered me free pizza. Now that's what I call diplomacy.