Administration fosters strange values
I am graduating from Tech in only four years with an undergraduate degree in engineering. It’s hard to believe that I somehow got cheated out of the extra two years normally dedicated to an engineering undergraduate degree program at Tech-I am in fact contemplating requesting a refund of two-thirds of my tuition.
But perhaps the loss is more than made up for by what I have learned at Tech. It was not how I first thought it would be-learning from classes, or even from my experience here or my peers. No, instead I have gleaned superior wisdom during my four years here through observation of those much more experienced in life than any college student: the administration. After all, with their added life experience, who better to learn from?
The administration cares about students; I know this because Auxiliary Services tells me so. Thus, through careful observation, I have devised a list of things that students must value above all else, based upon general administrative treatment and perception of them.
1. Students love 8 a.m. classes. This is especially for you, School of Chemical Engineering. Nothing beats the spring in your step when you hop out of bed, sometimes before the sun has risen, to get a head start on a brand new day.
However, there are certain pitfalls you must be careful to avoid here. Do not make 8 a.m. classes too interesting, and whatever you do, do not engage the students in a discussion about the topic at hand. Make sure to take attendance at all 8 a.m. classes, as students love attendance. It helps boost our average grades.
2. Speaking of grades, make sure ours remain lower than peer Institutes’. Nothing irks students more than the problem of rampant GPA inflation, because then they would have to report falsely high GPAs on their resumes when seeking employment for the rest of their lives. Students hate this.
Tech grads, on the other hand, feel the need to be proud of their 2.0s. Unlike the other guys seeking employment for the same position with their 3.8s and 4.0s, the Tech grad knows he earned his 2.0, and that’s what matters in the end.
3. Math courses are best taught in a foreign language. Everything I know about Chinese, I learned in Tech math classes. Students don’t want easily understandable material, and they certainly don’t want it taught in a language they understand-especially when it comes to any of the required math courses.
4. Give us lots of homework. You know what they say: idle hands are the tools of the devil, or something-and students everywhere believe it. We’re not really happy unless we’re plugging away at that 3,000-line spreadsheet, unless we need to take a break for a seven-page problem involving the fugacity of a complex mixture.
So next time you see a professor delivering a lecture, make sure to ask him how many homework questions are based on the lecture. Which brings me to my next point....
5. If there’s one thing students don’t want to see at a bar, it’s alcohol. Tech got this right on. Students hate debauchery and all things associated with drinking. It’s fortunate that we have an alcohol-free bar on campus to frequent.
6. Auxiliary Services loves students. And what better way to express it than the Parking Office? I’ve never heard a student say a bad thing about them.
7. Construction is only useful if it blocks multiple roadways. Anything that doesn’t re-route traffic significantly and cause delays is just spitting in the ocean. Students know that in order for their campus to see significant change, multiple roads need to be blocked and traffic jams must be created. These are the true signs of progress.
There’s so much more, but I have so little room. I suppose this is why they say college is a life-shaping experience. I’ve learned so much more here than I ever thought possible, and not just in engineering.
Who says Tech isn’t a well-rounded school?
