Energy drinks are full of bull

I never cease to be amused by the barrage of silly products aimed at the 20-something crowd.

These products are typically 20 percent substance and 80 percent marketing. Any sensible person would see this immediately and pass it up for something cheaper, simpler and just as effective. However, the sensible shoes market rarely yields the windfall of fresh dollars that marketing spinners and bean counters are looking for.

Out of all the products I could choose to pick on, the one that gets the nod this week is the energy drink.

No, I’m not talking about Mountain Dew, or even a coffee (and hardcore addicts will tell you that nothing kicks at 8 a.m. like a big cup of coffee). I’m talking about products like Red Bull, AMP and Rockstar Energy Drink.

Though their respective marketers would rather you think differently, these are all very similar products. They all have lots of sugar, caffeine, B vitamins and a few other obscure nutrients that most people have never heard of but sound cool. (Taurine—this gives you bullish strength when you take it, right?)

Now these are all reasonably effective energy producing ingredients, mind you, but I suspect there is a great deal of placebo effect going on here. There is just something about drinking a “Red Bull” that makes you want to smash something. If you were drinking a “Pink Daisy” there would be no such effect.

Another area where they are all similar is packaging. They all have appealing, well-designed cans that are usually much smaller than a typical soda can.

The idea here is that the drink is so powerful that you can only handle a small amount of it and that the drink is so expensive you can only afford a certain amount of it (just look at the price tag!).

However one brand, Rockstar, has already proven this idea false. They have boldly stepped ahead of the pack and decided to offer 16 ounce cans of their product.

Personally, I think this is brilliant. Why drink eight ounces of an over-caffeinated beverage when you can drink 16 ounces of that same over-caffeinated beverage for the same price?

The name suits it perfectly too. After 16 ounces of that stuff, almost anyone will be feeling like a rock star (minus the cocaine, heavy liquor and prostitutes, of course). You’ll be rocking your way down Skiles to your 8 a.m. class like its nobody’s business.

They also have a 24 ounce version of their product, for when you’ve either pulled an all-nighter or are particularly hung over from the weekend before.

Now, for what they are, these aren’t necessarily bad products. I’m all for a sugared up, over-caffeinated drink to keep you awake for your early morning class or to give you a little extra kick before you go to the gym.

The problem with these products is the price. Many of these drinks go for $2.00 and up. That is absolutely absurd given the ingredients that make up these products. There is nothing in any of these drinks thats different from a 30 cent Mountain Dew and a 25 cent energy pill from your local grocery store.

In fact, I would be willing to wager that the can these drinks come in (especially the small ones) costs nearly as much as the drink itself.

In the end, these ridiculously overpriced drinks seem to be little more than a fashion statement to the people who use them.

Notice that many of the people who drink these products love to let others know about it.

For instance, when you’re in a crowded room and you see someone drinking a Red Bull, you never see them chug it down. No, the idea is for that can to make as many trips from the table to their mouth as possible. It’s kind of like waving a flag that says, “Hey, look at me, I’m drinking this trendy energy beverage that the rest of you are either too poor or too sensible to buy. Ha Ha!”

In addition, when you pay that much for something that’s essentially high powered Mountain Dew, you might as well savor every drop.

For those of you honestly looking for a boost of energy, do yourself a favor—just buy a 20 ounce soda instead of a 12 ounce; or even better, just drink coffee. For the rest of you who just want to look cool, give it up; your secret is out.