Two Bits

Earlier this year, I decided that what I really needed most in life was a new computer. Now, this was not a selfish decision, violently wretched from the womb of immature desire to have the best toy *cough* 3 gigahertz 512 megs of ram *cough* or some Cro-Magnon, knee jerk need to p\/\/n 5t|_|p1D n00b5 *hiccup* 5.1 surround sound *burp*.

No, this was born of a professional desire to have the best machine that I could possibly have, so that I might approach the business of my chosen field of computer science with the very best tools available to me... *hack* case lighting, bitches *spurt*. I’m sorry, I’ve been ill lately.

Being so possessed of noble desire for raw computing power, I enlisted the services of a certain custom computer manufacturer to build me a rig of unimaginable power. Owning to the fact that neither I nor the Technique have any desire to get sued at the moment, said manufacturer will go unnamed.

However, for the purposes of this article, I will be referring to them as Midget Porn Computers, because, assuming you’ve received a rather sharp blow to the head recently, their name does sound kind of like that.

Also, I am obsessed with midget porn and this is my cry for help. It’s their little hands that do it for me.

Sadly, the hearts of the good people of MPC were not as filled with burning justice as mine was. Rather, they appear to have been filled with some other material, perhaps manure (though the jury’s still out as to whether or not this matter is “burning” per se).

I say this because instead of sending me a computer like I asked, they sent me -a month late, mind you- a giant, urine-colored paperweight whose very existence mocks all that is good and decent in this world.

Here’s a brief rundown of everything that’s wrong with it.

1) It is yellow. I ordered black. They called me a week later to tell me that they were out of black, so I chose blue. They didn’t have blue, so I chose red. A week later when I called them to ask why the hell my box hadn’t shipped yet, they said that they also ran out of red, but that they had ordered me a black case from the manufacturer.

This was, it seems, a lie. So basically, I had to wait a month to get a hideous computer that looks like someone painted it to resemble urine.

2) The video card works only sporadically. Twice now, I’ve turned on my computer to have the screen not come on (yes, I checked that the screen works). However, if I let it sit for a little while and think about what it’s done, it tends to see the rightness of my position in wanting to receive visual output from my computer.

3) The CD burner is jammed and also mounted in such an obviously incorrect way as to make removal and repair impossible. It’s like it was installed by a kid with cerebral palsy.

4) Did I mention that it was piss yellow?

So, yeah. That’s my situation. Sucks, don’t it? If there’s anything I want all you people out there to take from this whole experience, it’s that you should never, ever, under any circumstances buy Midget Porn. To hell with their little hands.