...Two Bits

These days, it’s really hard to say whether I’ve become too jaded in the intellectual surroundings of Georgia Tech to tolerate morons, or if I’m just becoming a jerk. Though, the Two Bits Man is perfect, so I suspect that it’s being jaded with intellectuals.

By now, you’ve probably come to know the Two Bits Man as a conceited snob who makes fun of idiots, and for that, I fervently thank you. Clearly, you’ve been keeping up with the back issues. Nonetheless, in my years of cynicism, I somehow have overlooked one of the most important centers of idiocy on the planet-eBay.

eBay is a place where you can buy an action figure of The Spleen from “Mystery Men,” or a book about spleens for that matter. I must confess that I was a bit surprised to see that no one is currently selling an actual spleen, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before the market fixes that. They might even have a grandma spleen diamond like I’ve mentioned in the past.

I’m a long time eBay buyer, but I have recently decided to try my hand at selling objects on the site. I’ve always assumed that eBay caters to dullwits-after all, it is a place teeming with people who want to spend more on objects than they could pay for them in a store, and exploitation is the cause and the creed of the Technique. So, I decided to pawn off some consumer electronics objects I own.

Up until now, you may have noticed how kind and honest the consumer electronics industry is “A man with your discriminating tastes needs only the best speakers. These are a mere six thousand dollars.”

Also, think about how they’re always looking out for the consumer’s best interests. “For only a hundred more dollars, you can have the extended warranty.”

I feel as though an industry with such upstanding representatives deserves yet one more, and that is why I have chosen to use eBay as a forum in which to part with some of my most prized possessions.

I started my eBay selling frenzy with a video projector I’d acquired at a computer show for a negligible amount of money. I then eBayed it up by an astronomical sevenfold. However, when it came time for the buyer to ante up some green, I had my first experience with eBay stupidity.

The buyer flatly did not pay me, and then sent me an email telling me that he was completely broke. I can appreciate being flatly broke, but Two Bits Man, super-sleuth looked at his other auction activity, and would you believe that he bought two things after my projector, and (gasp of shock here) they were more expensive than the projector I sold him.

I don’t know if I should be shocked at his stupidity for not knowing that I could look at his auction activity or if I should be angered by his assumption that I would be too stupid to look at his bidding activity. Either way, I gave him a stern scolding, and told him that he was doing a poor job upholding the sanctity of eBay. That should teach him a valuable lesson.

My second experience with eBay genius came the very same week. This time, I opted to sell another computer gem that I’d scored at the same computer show.

I very explicitly said that I only ship in the US, but alas, the winning bidder forgot that Toronto is not in the US. Either that, or he confused Toronto, Canada with Toronto, Kansas-clearly an easy mistake.

The third and fourth items I sold on eBay were similar items, and one buyer wanted to buy both of them. He asked if I would only charge shipping on one of them if he won both. I told him that I wouldn’t. He then sent me another email that said, “Two Bits Man, you are actually planning on charging me shipping on both if I win?” I believe this is a great duh moment. Didn’t I cover that when I said that he’d have to pay twice?

Aside from the fact that part of the fun of eBay is overcharging for shipping, so as to extort more money from your clients, there was the added fact that I now had to charge him more on principle. Consider it a stupidity tax. Oh, how I wish we could charge stupidity tax on people who say stupid things to us. That would be as useful as the annoying-coworker-who-makes-you-stay-late tariff.

I can’t really say that I’m the greatest genius to ever live, but there is a certain level of stupidity with which I just cannot deal. However, everyone I dealt with in my eBay sales has been of that variety of moron. It has started to make me wonder just how far I can push the envelope.

I think I will put a dollar bill on there and see just how high it goes; I daresay it might go for two. On that note, I have some more auctions to place, so until next week, this is the Two Bits Man reminding you that if academia has you down, and you need to drop the level of intellect for a bit, just auction something.