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I love advice; I love to take it, and more importantly, I love to give it. Being the TwoBits Man, people always come to me for my wisdom. However, there are those few, rare (and I do mean really rare) times that I actually enlist the good word of others.

One of these times happened about a month ago. I'd been driving the same, old, boring car ever since my sixteenth birthday, and it was starting to really wear on me. So, I decided I'd buy a new used car. Ideally, I'd have gotten a NEW car, but alas, I am a poor college student, and every penny that I glean from this journalism gig goes right back to Ma Tech. That being said, I started looking about a month ago, and not being the most savvy car aficionado in the universe, I started asking friends and family for advice.

Anyhoo, I got lots of tips. One of them came from my uncle; he was dead-set on my buying a pickup truck that he'd seen in the paper, and to his credit, it was a fairly good price on a nice pickup. However, I didn't buy it. I opted for a nice sports car that was more apropos for an internationally-recognized columnist. After all, a suave, heroic, genius like myself should drive in nothing less than the best.

My uncle was severely peeved. How could I have the audacity to ask his advice, and not take it? This is where it gets interesting folks. After he said that, I spun off into a daydream, and pondered what my life would have been like if I took EVERY SINGLE piece of advice that people give me. Let me tell you something; that would have been an interesting life.

Here are the highlights: If I'd taken every bit of advice that I've been given, I'd be an art student at the University of Oklahoma. I'd have green hair, and I would have married a most unique girl who went to my high school (who by the way liked my old car, because, "it has a visor mirror"). I would have learned to play the bassoon, bought a ferret and a comparably-sized piranha.

"Fair enough," you say. So, who offered these ideas to me? The green hair one was the best. I went into a Starbucks with a friend, and the girl behind he counter looks at me, and shapes her hand into a viewfinder. As she looked through her squared fingers, she said to me, "You would look really, really good with green hair." This comment was totally out of the blue. I certainly didn't expect such random fashion advice from the coffee girl.

I was very proud of my restraint though. My date and I made it all the way to the table before we broke out in uproarious laughter. As a side note though, I would never dye my hair cliche green. No, no...the TwoBits man is an original, so I'd make it two-tone like a car from the 1980s: blue on top, red on the bottom.

Alrighty then, moving on, what about studying art? Now, there was some classic advice. I always do enjoy amusing diversions like that. That little tidbit came from a high school friend of mine; she spends about thirty grand per year to learn art. I believe that her hair is now green, too.

Fortunately, someone clued me before it was too late that if I were a professional artist, I'd have to live in a cardboard box. Now, with my artistic skill, I'm sure it would have been a beautiful box, but it would have zapped me with that annoying claustrophobia. The only nice thing about living in a box (so I'm told) is that you can place it anywhere you want. If I lived in a box, I'd place it fairly close to the Governor's Mansion, and when people asked me where I lived, I'd say, "Oh, I live off of West Paces, you know, over by the Governor's Mansion."

So, where is the lady-of-conceit these days? That's a very good question, one that even the all-knowing TwoBits man is finding difficult to figure out. Back when I was a wee sixteen-year-old, I a friend of mine set me up with a most gorgeous woman.

We went out a couple times, and she clued me that she liked my old car, because it had a visor mirror. Hey, whatever you look for in a vehicle, eh? The girl who hooked us up assured us that we were soulmates, and that someday we should be wed. Ha! Odd how that one worked out (also odd how my word processor knows that ha is a word.)

I guess what I'm going at is that advice is always welcome, but being of phenomenal wit, I seldom need to trouble myself with taking it. In fact, I could be doing far more productive things like making sock puppets or learning how to whistle while eating crackers. [TwoBits conundrum for you here: Why is it that people who try and whistle while they eat crackers always whistle Dixie? I'm original like orange-flavored potato chips, so I'm gonna whistle Beethoven's Fifth].

For that matter, instead of bothering myself with the advice of others, I could write my (somewhat egotistical) opinions into a pseudo-advice column, so that others could read them. Ooh, wait...I almost forgot. I already do that.

Well, here I am. I've gotten nearly to the end of my column, and I haven't even offered you any advice, and for that, I feel truly ashamed. Thus, let me bestow these simple words of wisdom upon you: Never stick your BuzzCard into a toaster. If you always live by these simple words, you'll have a much easier time at Tech, and you'll thank me in the end.

Now that I've given you my dose of weekly advice, I must bid you adieu. Until next week, I am the TwoBits Man, and these are my thoughts.